In the fifty-one weeks since I saw 'Trance' (fifty-two by the time I publish this), I have learned a lot about James. I know what football team he supports, I know what he likes to read and I know that he once tried to convince his sister that he had died while playing hide 'n' seek. To be honest, I hope he never reads this, but I do wish he could know how important he is to me. Not that I am especially important to him, of course. I know he appreciates his fans but he doesn't exactly stay awake at night squirming with anxiety about whether or not sixteen-year-old girls model their outlooks on life based on his values. It is just important to me that he should know what an important part of my life he is.
I love James. Not in the same way that I love my parents, or my friends and probably not in the same way that I'll love a boyfriend. I love James in the way I love 'Doctor Who', Nerdfighteria, the BBC One Twitter account. This morning (April sixth, 2014), I cried at a book called 'Fangirl', by Rainbow Rowell. It wasn't sad and I know it wasn't real. There was a fictional book series in it that was sort of supposed to be that book's version of 'Harry Potter'. It was called the 'Simon Snow' seriees. The main character, Cath, had been writing 'Simon Snow' fanfiction. It had become pivotal in her life and she loved the series as much as she loved her twin sister, Wren, or her boyfriend, Levi. When I cried, Cath and Wren, were both also crying. The final book had just been released and they and Levi had gone to the midnight opening with Cath's room mate, Reagan. Cath and Wren were hugging and holding the books between them and Cath said that she couldn't believe it was finally over. Wren had replied that it would never be over because it was "Simon".
That. That is how I feel about James. That overwhelming feeling that he is important and makes a difference in my life. I love what he means to me. To me, he means being nerdy, childish and mature, all at the one time. He is a gentleman, to everyone, even people who don't necessarily deserve it. I want to be like him when I'm older - not the acting part, I want to be a writer - I just want to follow his morals. I mean, I have my own beliefs and I don't know exactly every moral that he lives his life by but I think he is a good starting point.
Recently, I went to see All Time Low, an American pop-punk band. I saw them at the O2 Academy in Glasgow on Friday, April twenty-first of this year. I found myself seeping with elation and joy. Happiness took over my being and there was nothing to be sad about, at all. I wasn't stressed about exams, or about whatever problems my friends had been going through. Life was just brilliant because All Time Low existed. That's another way in which I love James.
I love the fact that he exists. I love that in a world of corruption and greed and anger and the constant pressure to act like you aren't overly excited about things, James can still exist. Someone once told me that the bad in the world far outweighs the good. I don't think it works like that. I think that the good and the bad are separate. You can ignore the bad stuff, or try to fix it. So long as the good is there, there is reason to be happy and to get overly excited about when Matt Smith's Doctor says "bow ties are cool." James is good. And James exists. That makes me happy.
I'm not saying he's a God or anything. He's not a Messiah, or a Prophet. He is just a really good human. When he says something that doesn't quite make sense, he squirms and puts his head in his hands and apologises to his family. He doesn't take himself seriously either. When Craig Ferguson asks, "What would you consider real sex?", he doesn't say, "Ew, that's such a weird thing to ask me." James says, "Would you like me to show you?" (By the way, Craig Ferguson's next word was "Yes").
It's the times when he makes mistakes like that, or when he makes fun of himself, that I see the most assurance that he is in fact human. That's when I feel happiest. When you see pictures of Hitler holding children's hands and them looking up to him, that's the scariest part, because you realise that he was human and that humans have the capacity to be that evil. With James, it's the opposite of that. The moments when he seems the most human are the moments I'm happiest.
James McAvoy is a wonderful human being who makes me want to be better, makes the world better, and still seems to want to make himself better. I am in love with everything I know about him. Just having that feeling makes me happy, despite the fact that he has no idea I even exist. That's why I started this fanfiction. I know that some people would say it's creepy and that I shouldn't write this way about a real person but that's why Anne Marie exists in this world and why James is a teacher. Everyone has the right to express love however they want and however much they want. Well, I'm in love with James. I'm a writer, so the "how" is writing fanfiction. And I'm a nerd, so the "however much" is A LOT.
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