I felt myself gulp again, totally numb to the bob of my throat. When I closed my eyes, I saw it. I was reminded of when I read an Infernal Devices book for hours on end and saw the circular font of its text every time I closed my eyes. At least then I was picturing dashing Shadowhunters and a quirky warlock named Magnus. Now, I just saw Tara's face. She didn't seem to be in any physical pain but her eyes were strained with terror. Jan had explained what they'd been through but I just couldn't picture it. All I could picture was the terror.
Jan had clicked a few buttons on her phone then thrust it towards us. I think Eliphia, Lucìa and I had the hardest time of it. We'd known Tara through JMFC longest. We had been seeing her as happy, posting pictures of herself - proud in front of the decorations of her room. That she could be reduced to such abject fear was something difficult to stomach.
"Jan," I croaked, "Why is she so scared."
Jan had been silent through our pained cries and shocked gasps. Now, she turned her head towards me and I realised that barely recognised her either. Jan posted pictures of herself less often than Tara did but I still had a fairly clear picture of her in my head. However Jan's eyes, too, had something dark hovering in them too, like a ghost of the horror in Tara's.
Jan cleared her throat and replied, "Paul sent me the message when he realised I escaped. He captioned the picture with the sentence, 'Just told Tara what I'm going to do to James when I find him.' I thought for a while that if I went back to him he would relent but ... this won't be fixed that easily. You have no idea what the problem was he wanted to talk to you about, James, but I promise, even if you had I'm not sure you'd have been able to do much good."
"What?" James muttered. He had his eyes angled straight down at the table and did not even turn his head to face Jan.
"Something was happening at the school," Jan explained, "Something had gotten into the air in there and ... Paul wasn't the only one."
"The only one what?" James pressed. Now he raised his head and pointed his gaze directly at Jan.
Jan shuddered - though whether that was from what she was about to tell us or from James' piercing blue eyes, I don't know. She took a deep breath and continued, "He developed a power. He ... he mutated."
"Um, Jan, is it?" Annisa mumbled, "Are you sure about that. I mean, James and Michael's acting is good but you do realise X-Men isn't actually real?"
"But it is!" Jan exclaimed, "Paul has the power to pollute your thoughts!"
"So he's a Nazi propaganda minister?" John Green asked with a raised eyebrow.
"I am serious!" Jan exploded, "He did it to us. I am ashamed to say, James, that for a few days last month I actually wanted to kill you - for no reason!"
"But ..." James began awkwardly, "You ... love me. Or at least who you perceive me to be. That might be me, it might not. I have no idea how you see me, so..."
"See that's the thing, James." Jan clutched at his arm and he made no move to reel back. In fact, after the initial tensing of the tendons in his arms, he relaxed and even smiled. "The more you love something, the more he makes you hate it. The more enthusiastic you are about your feelings, the easier it is for him to torment you, to turn them against you."
"Well, John's doomed," I muttered, "He's the biggest nerd I know."
"Thank you." John nodded solemnly but added, "But I get the feeling you are not averse to fangirling over Doctor Who. And the rest of you ... If I logged onto Facebook and entered James' fan club, how freaked out would I be?"
We glanced at each other hesitantly, suddenly seeing where John was going with this.
"You are all obsessed with this man -" he pointed at James, "- and it sounds to me like this is going to doom you all."
This time, we all gulped.
"What about me?" James asked suddenly, "What's he plan to make me hate?"
"Star Trek?" Hanien suggested, "Your family. I'm sure he can make all of us hate our families."
Isaac scoffed loudly and exclaimed, "This is all ridiculous! For centuries, millennia, human beings have had the power to create hatred. It happens all the time."
"He made us hate James, " Jan muttered, "No ordinary human can do that. It's simply impossible. I hated him as much as I love him and it nearly tore me apart."
James reddened and cleared his throat. "You said there were others?"
"None as powerful as Paul. He's the leader. Most of them have some sort of psionic power - telepathy, telekinesis or teleportation," Jan explained, "It's like he's got an army. And he's fuelling them on hatred."
"It sounds like a poem I read for Higher English," I observed, "'Havisham' by Carol Ann Duffy. It's about how the passage of time completely destroyed Miss Havisham from 'Great Expectations'. There's a line that starts, 'Love's hate...' and the 'Love's' and 'hate' are in separate stanzas. The enjambment shows how quickly love can rot into hate."
"So Paul's mutant name ..." James murmured, "Is Enjambo?"
Benedict patted James on the shoulder and said, "Sure, James, sure."
"Or how about 'Miss Havisham'?" Eliphia suggested.
For the first time in ten long, long minutes, we all laughed. We laughed at Eliphia's joke; we laughed at the absurdity of X-Men coming to life; we laughed as James and Michael as they did their Professor X and Magneto poses. I felt like I'd been stabbed with an icicle as I realised that this was what Paul meant to destroy. The very richness of our happiness was what was going to destroy it.
Jan had clicked a few buttons on her phone then thrust it towards us. I think Eliphia, Lucìa and I had the hardest time of it. We'd known Tara through JMFC longest. We had been seeing her as happy, posting pictures of herself - proud in front of the decorations of her room. That she could be reduced to such abject fear was something difficult to stomach.
"Jan," I croaked, "Why is she so scared."
Jan had been silent through our pained cries and shocked gasps. Now, she turned her head towards me and I realised that barely recognised her either. Jan posted pictures of herself less often than Tara did but I still had a fairly clear picture of her in my head. However Jan's eyes, too, had something dark hovering in them too, like a ghost of the horror in Tara's.
Jan cleared her throat and replied, "Paul sent me the message when he realised I escaped. He captioned the picture with the sentence, 'Just told Tara what I'm going to do to James when I find him.' I thought for a while that if I went back to him he would relent but ... this won't be fixed that easily. You have no idea what the problem was he wanted to talk to you about, James, but I promise, even if you had I'm not sure you'd have been able to do much good."
"What?" James muttered. He had his eyes angled straight down at the table and did not even turn his head to face Jan.
"Something was happening at the school," Jan explained, "Something had gotten into the air in there and ... Paul wasn't the only one."
"The only one what?" James pressed. Now he raised his head and pointed his gaze directly at Jan.
Jan shuddered - though whether that was from what she was about to tell us or from James' piercing blue eyes, I don't know. She took a deep breath and continued, "He developed a power. He ... he mutated."
"Um, Jan, is it?" Annisa mumbled, "Are you sure about that. I mean, James and Michael's acting is good but you do realise X-Men isn't actually real?"
"But it is!" Jan exclaimed, "Paul has the power to pollute your thoughts!"
"So he's a Nazi propaganda minister?" John Green asked with a raised eyebrow.
"I am serious!" Jan exploded, "He did it to us. I am ashamed to say, James, that for a few days last month I actually wanted to kill you - for no reason!"
"But ..." James began awkwardly, "You ... love me. Or at least who you perceive me to be. That might be me, it might not. I have no idea how you see me, so..."
"See that's the thing, James." Jan clutched at his arm and he made no move to reel back. In fact, after the initial tensing of the tendons in his arms, he relaxed and even smiled. "The more you love something, the more he makes you hate it. The more enthusiastic you are about your feelings, the easier it is for him to torment you, to turn them against you."
"Well, John's doomed," I muttered, "He's the biggest nerd I know."
"Thank you." John nodded solemnly but added, "But I get the feeling you are not averse to fangirling over Doctor Who. And the rest of you ... If I logged onto Facebook and entered James' fan club, how freaked out would I be?"
We glanced at each other hesitantly, suddenly seeing where John was going with this.
"You are all obsessed with this man -" he pointed at James, "- and it sounds to me like this is going to doom you all."
This time, we all gulped.
"What about me?" James asked suddenly, "What's he plan to make me hate?"
"Star Trek?" Hanien suggested, "Your family. I'm sure he can make all of us hate our families."
Isaac scoffed loudly and exclaimed, "This is all ridiculous! For centuries, millennia, human beings have had the power to create hatred. It happens all the time."
"He made us hate James, " Jan muttered, "No ordinary human can do that. It's simply impossible. I hated him as much as I love him and it nearly tore me apart."
James reddened and cleared his throat. "You said there were others?"
"None as powerful as Paul. He's the leader. Most of them have some sort of psionic power - telepathy, telekinesis or teleportation," Jan explained, "It's like he's got an army. And he's fuelling them on hatred."
"It sounds like a poem I read for Higher English," I observed, "'Havisham' by Carol Ann Duffy. It's about how the passage of time completely destroyed Miss Havisham from 'Great Expectations'. There's a line that starts, 'Love's hate...' and the 'Love's' and 'hate' are in separate stanzas. The enjambment shows how quickly love can rot into hate."
"So Paul's mutant name ..." James murmured, "Is Enjambo?"
Benedict patted James on the shoulder and said, "Sure, James, sure."
"Or how about 'Miss Havisham'?" Eliphia suggested.
For the first time in ten long, long minutes, we all laughed. We laughed at Eliphia's joke; we laughed at the absurdity of X-Men coming to life; we laughed as James and Michael as they did their Professor X and Magneto poses. I felt like I'd been stabbed with an icicle as I realised that this was what Paul meant to destroy. The very richness of our happiness was what was going to destroy it.
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